Taoyuan Nights

If there is one topic that belongs as the first post on almost any Asian blog, it’s that of Stinky Tofu.

Stinky Tofu is an unusual concept in the Asian mindset. At an early age, long before the sense of smell has fully developed, or legs are nimble enough to escape, most asians are fed (presumably, force-fed) Stinky Tofu. It is a type of fermented bean curd, sold on street stalls, which has a very… unique smell.

I’m informed by my taiwanese friends that the taste of the stuff is actually very nice. The Smell, on the other hand, is something so terrible that is hard to describe to someone who has never experienced it. Perhaps the best way to illustrate it is with an analogy.

Imagine you are having a family party. A distant relative comes to the party, and enjoys a healthy amount of food and drink at the dinner table. Perhaps, you begin to wonder, they have had a little too much to drink. Later, as you spot them staggering towards the the toilet, alarm bells begin ringing in your head, and rapidly the rooms neighbouring the toilet begin to be evacuated – purely as a precautionary measure.

15 minutes later, after an alarming orchestration of noise, they re-emerge, and shuffle off to find out where the food has gone. A mental note immediately etches itself onto your brain: “UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, ENTER THAT TOILET”. But all is well – the danger has passed, and no one has been killed or injured.

And then.

Milliseconds after you sigh with relief and in doing so, exhaust the last of the air in your lungs, you realise the horrifying truth. They did not close the door. You know this even without looking, because as you begin to breath in, the hairs on the inside of your nose start to burn. They did not close the door. Your olfactory nerves scream in horror. Yes, the smell has reached you, and it is already too late, you are already breathing it and it is too late to stop. Tears form in your eyes. Lungs spasm. Facial muscles twitch. Yes, this really is the worst smell in the world, and it is happening right here, right now, in your nose. Dear god, what could cause such a smell? How could any human being carry it in their body without their eyes yellowing and their hair falling out?

And all of that is just one tenth of the smell of Stinky Tofu.

The most annoying thing though, is that you never get any warning. You can be walking along the street on a gorgeous day – sun shining, birds tweeting, cats meowling – and then WHAM! – The Smell hits your nose like a half brick thrown from a nearby alleyway. Unfortunately, it’s already far too late. If you stop breathing, you trap The Smell inside your nose. If you keep breathing, you might breath in even more (dear lord, no!). What do you do? Do you run? Do you turn around and walk back? Run into a perfume shop? Nosedive into a stall full of flowers?

It’s almost certain that no matter what you do, The Smell is going to come and find you and force its way into your nostrils, where it will wreak unimaginable olfactory harm upon you and your ability to ever again enjoy breathing. Even if you kill yourself to avoid breathing any more of The Smell, your dying thought will be of Stinky Tofu and wishing you could somehow unbreath your last few breaths – hardly the ideal way to go.

Forewarned is forearmed, though, so if you visit a food market in Asia, hold your breath. It might seem difficult to hold your breath for several hours – but trust me – it’s even more difficult to forget The Smell of Stinky Tofu.